As a teenager, I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to get married. Love looked like a fairytale, especially after experiencing my parents' divorce. However, over the years, I began to perceive beauty in relationships, even if I didn’t yearn for one myself. At some random point in my life, I decided that if I were to get married, it would be by age 27. I imagined that by then, I’d have my life in order- a fulfilling job, financial stability, and a checklist of societal expectations ticked off.
When my husband and I got engaged, I took it upon myself to interview couples from various walks of life. Some had been married for 20, 15, 35, and even 50 years. I sought wisdom, hoping their insights could guide me. Ironically, I was the very person who had once sworn off marriage, and now I was preparing to step into that world. I heard advice like, “The first 7 years are the hardest,” or “It’s going to be rough.”
But once married, I discovered that no amount of external wisdom could fully equip me for the journey ahead. While the advice of others was invaluable, every couple’s experience is unique, and we must not idolize their paths. We should take what resonates and leave behind what doesn’t- much like eating fish: "eat the flesh and leave the bones.”
I’ve learned some significant lessons throughout this journey that I want to share.
Lesson 1: It's Okay to Be Different
As newlyweds, our differences often felt like weaknesses rather than strengths. I initially viewed our contrasting methods as signs of failure. Yet, over time, I realised that it was our unique perspectives that enriched our relationship. Changing our outlook was what was necessary for us to celebrate our differences instead of fearing them.
Lesson 2: Every Marriage Faces Challenges
It’s easy to assume that other couples have flawless relationships. But, honesty reveals the truth. Everyone faces difficulties. Social media's portrayal of “couple goals” can create a false sense of perfection. Acknowledging that challenges are universal helps ease the isolation when things get tough.
Lesson 3: Don’t Leave God at the Altar
Amid the excitement of new beginnings, it’s easy to overlook the importance of faith. God is the cornerstone that helps to sustain a marriage. Now is the time to deepen your prayer life and seek divine guidance, asking for wisdom on how to nurture your relationship.
Lesson 4: Discern Good Advice from Bad
Even well-meaning advice can sometimes be misguided. Not all words of wisdom are beneficial for your situation. It’s essential to recognise when fear is being projected onto you, disguised as caution. Appreciate the intent behind the advice, but also be confident in acknowledging that it may not apply to your story.
Lesson 5: Maintain Individuality While Merging Lives
After marriage, you may find yourself identified solely as “Mrs.” It can be easy to lose sight of yourself in this new phase. While building a home together, remember to nurture your hobbies and interests. Striking the balance between being a supportive partner and retaining your individuality is possible with flexibility and firmness.
As cliche as it sounds, marriage is a beautiful journey. Marriage is almost like enrolling in a new course at school. You learn a lot, get frustrated, and want to drop out of the course from time to time. Embrace your unique path, lean on your faith, and remember that growth often happens through challenges. Each step in this journey helps to shape not only your marriage but also who you are as an individual.
What lessons have shaped your own journey? Let's chat in the comments.
Photo by: Dwayne K Smith Photography
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